I looked at my own cervix.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
