Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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