Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
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Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
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Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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