I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
