eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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