i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
