Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
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Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
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You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.