i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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