I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
