sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.