Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
