Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
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I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
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Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!