hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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