I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
