you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
