Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
