i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
