Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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