Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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