I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
