the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
