god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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