I think I died a long time ago.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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