her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
