She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
