I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
