clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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