I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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