Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
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