Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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