There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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