Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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