Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
