Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
