I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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