i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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