I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
