cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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