yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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