I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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