I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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