i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
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