if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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