theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
