Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
