I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
