We won't sleep together?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
