I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
