just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
