I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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