I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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