my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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