allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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