I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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