we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
