the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
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