I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
