my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
zippers are such a cool invention
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
