im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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