I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
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I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
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We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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